Raw.

I was listening to someone I know on youtube. Someone I met at a workshop on esoteric wisdom. He's a brave individual and chose an amazing adventure for his life. One I was not brave enough to choose myself when entering this Earth. To watch him explain his process has been a joy. This may sound odd to use the word joy when such emotion and pain are involved, but I can see in him something new emerging and that's always exciting. In one of his latest videos he was explaining dismantling his strategies of protection. A long and painful process as he explained it. I could relate. Our stories are so very different. You would not recognise them as anything that could be compared on the surface, but underneath all of our pain and suffering, we share the same journey. We all do. To find what lies beneath all of our protection. When he mentioned this pain I immediately knew what he was referring to. To slowly see what we are not, hurts. The word for me that came to mind was raw. I felt so raw when going through a similar process. We both worked with the same professional on this journey of discovery. The woman that helped us is extremely good at getting you to see things. The true origins of this pain we carry. Things about yourself you thought you’d rather not know. The liberation was only truly felt after the pain had gone. What was once hidden and never felt was brought to the light and changed, transmuted into something much more valuable. Bit by bit, piece by piece. Sometimes just tiny fragments exposed and on show. The technique that she taught me I still use today. It’s a simple process but takes patience. The resistance I had was breathtaking at times. Hence the patience. She had enough for both of us thankfully. I’ll always be grateful. Time after time I would build elaborate illusions and delusions around me believing she wouldn't find me. Funny that, as I thought I wanted to be found and seen. However, we protect till the last. Defend at all costs. Well I did. That was really my first big dismantling. A rug pull as I call it. Eventually with her help I would drop some of my protection to reveal what dwelled beneath. A deeper understanding of myself.

This feeling, this exposure to something unseen and apparently new. The rawness of it. This to me feels a good description. Why wouldn’t it feel raw? A part of ourselves that had been hidden for so long. Protected and guarded. Covered, smothered, buried and hidden. I can remember feeling so unprotected just walking around and going about my business. Everything seemed so harsh, messy and painful to feel and to witness. What was once ok was no longer bearable. In this state of rawness a lot was revealed to me. My new raw self was rejected by people I thought would be ok with it. Old patterns were no longer possible. It was a very tough experience. Thankfully, I had people around me to explain what was happening. Otherwise I could have taken it all too personally. When we change or expose new parts of ourselves the outside must change also. I was shown what I needed. What was now in alignment and what wasn't. You could fight this process but it will only continue to feel raw. A constant irritation to the new exposed parts. I guess in time you could try to cover up these parts again. Hide them. Apply a temporary band aid. But eventually the band aid will ware thin and fall off. You could keep applying new ones but wounds always heal best when given air to breathe and exposure to the sun. Let nature take it’s turn in the healing, allowing the new skin to adjust.

This feeling of being raw is not like the physical sensation though. It’s a different kind of raw. This rawness doesn’t come from the fact it's delicate or damaged. What’s being exposed is tender but it’s strong and beautiful. It’s not strong because it's impenetrable or hard. It’s strength comes from the very nature of it's vulnerability. So vulnerable in fact it paradoxically is invulnerable. It’s untouchable but touched by everything. Everything can pass through it without causing the slightest bit of damage. It needs no protection, nor defending. At it’s foundation is everything. All. We sprung from that which cannot be touched. Yet we feel we need to protect it.

I’m not sure how much more of myself I have to see, find or remember. I'll continue to try and feel into this beauty and strength that lies beneath. It’s a choice. A choice that's made every second of our lives. Over and over we must choose.

MC

Here is a link to the YouTube video that inspired this writing:

https://youtu.be/tiJLrBpg7t4