Forgiveness.

To forgive seems to bring the greatest rewards. The energy and relief I have felt when letting something go seems to be one of the most transformative processes I've experienced. Every little forgiveness I can muster brings so much more than the supposed effort involved. Every time I do this it blows me away with the reward it bestows upon me. Yet the fear that prevented me from forgiving in the first place can still scare me and keep me from this energy and peace. Even now I know the truth I can still be scared to forgive. We are funny creatures.

Now knowing that we have this amazing effort to reward ratio, that is so out of balance in our favour, why does it seem so hard?

I'm often discussing forgiveness with people. I’ve pointed to it as if it’s the answer to all questions. Sometimes people get it and others have no idea what I’m talking about. I’ll try to break down a part of forgiveness here and why I think it’s the one thing we can all do to drastically improve our lives and everyones around us.

It really hit me when I could see it’s one of the most difficult thing for us humans to do. We struggle with it so much. The thought of forgiving everything seemed so impossible to me that it must be a significant part of our learning. I couldn’t comprehend the freedom that it would bring. I could feel into it just a touch and it left me in a state of wonder. It instantly scared me and excited me all at once. It’s so very hard to put into words. Imagine having nothing to forgive. I mean absolutely nothing. From old wounds to the very present moment. What would you be? You would just radiate love for all, no fear to be felt by you or anything you came into contact with. No restrictions on where your love could flow. Limitless love and an endless supply to be bestowed upon anything and everything. That’s how it felt to me. No fear. The possibilities would be endless. Total freedom to just be.

I’ve struggled with forgiveness my whole life. You wouldn’t have known this from a normal perspective. I rarely held a grudge, in fact I tried to muster up some resentments in my younger days as it seemed to be the thing people did. I wanted some sort of grudge because I thought I should. Everyone one else around me felt I should be annoyed with this person or that person so I tried but I just couldn't hold the anger towards them. I tried. So I thought I was free of this thing called forgiveness. Oh, no, no, no. I was very wrong. I was just looking in the wrong place. These things that didn’t seem to bother me weren’t hitting my core wounds. They didn’t require me to forgive them to move on. To be free and live.

We have all experienced this at times. A particular person or event can bother the hell out of you and yet has no effect on someone else. Here is your first sign it was meant just for you.

As time has passed and my life has unfolded I have worked on being more observant of my behaviours. These patterns or my automated reactions to people or events were the signs. I can honestly say that without the skill of self observation then forgiveness of our real core wounds is almost impossible. I just wouldn’t have known. My reactions to situations and people would just seem normal and acceptable. i.e. Someone or something annoys me, everyone around me agrees that that it is annoying. Therefore I’m justified in my annoyance. Occasionally someone might mention you were over reacting but you can just ignore it or now believe that they're annoying. It’s so normal in our society. Just look around you, just look at the entertainment industry, soaps, music, friends, family, our culture. It’s everywhere. Feuds, beefs, grudges, fall outs, arguments, disagreements, who's right, who’s wrong. It’s so normal it’s within everything.

How I found my way to forgiveness was not just one thing. It was an accumulation of many things. Building one on top of the other to bring me right to the very present moment that I chose to forgive. First I had to identify my repeated patterns of attack. I’m going to call it that as that’s truly what it is. A sly and subtle art of attacking without the other person really knowing what it is you’ve just done. You may not even know what you’ve just done. That’s where self observation comes in. The energy can be felt but the argument that may follow can be defended as you didn’t really say anything that could be construed as rude, critical or offensive. It can be so very subtle. It’s best described as energetic. Everyone does it at times. We are all carrying pain. Our behaviours and language are so telling when you have eyes to see. These unforgiven parts will attack anyone or anything that reminds us of these wounds. Once you’ve acknowledged this trait in yourself you can feel it in others. But be careful because you could then start projecting and avoiding addressing you own pain. This stage is hard to accept. The truth is you have so much to forgive. I hear so many people who say that they have forgiven and yet they actions speak to a different truth. The old Hermetic saying of "Know thy self” truly is the answer to all.

This stage of acknowledgement can also become a trap. Keeping us from forgiveness. As once you identify your old wounds and patterns of defend and attack you can stop there and believe you have addressed it. You haven’t. This is just part of the process. You can almost double down on the anger and lack of forgiveness for a while. It can feel so good to finally understand your own behaviours and blame them on something or someone else. I got stuck in this stage for quite a while. I’m sure parts of me are still there waiting to be pulled free.

This forgiveness is magic stuff. You know when you have truly forgiven because your relationship with everything changes. The person you may need to forgive doesn’t even have to be in your life anymore. If they are then you will feel instant results. Things just change but not always noticeable to anyone else. If not you will see the results in everything around you. In current relationships, energy and a lightness that is tangible. Once your energy has changed you are now transmitting love, forgiveness and understanding. The words no longer matter. From them or from you. You feel it. That part of you that needed to forgive no longer hides waiting to attack. Like a mine waiting to be trodden on or a ninja waiting to pounce from the shadows. All of that energy that was used to place mines or keep the ninjas fully trained and on alert can now be freed up and put to better use. You feel the softness and calm of peacetime. No invisible war left to fight.

The type of forgiveness I’m describing here is mainly about old wounds, childhood events, perceived wrongs done to us. Our physical self. Things from our past we haven’t addressed. The pain we feel but have yet to release. But it’s the same for all forms of forgiveness. The new things and people that come into your life, with beefs, arguments, feuds, silent treatment, rudeness, drama, a slight upon your character. The “how dare they” feeling. It’s all old and they are just the messenger to remind you to forgive. The mines were planted a long time ago and its just the latest person to step on them we give our attention to and focus on. These mines were put in place so long ago we don’t even know or remember where they are. If you use these explosive events correctly, minor or major and see what they truly are. They are a guide showing you where they are buried. Then the slow, delicate and patient process of removing them can begin.

The slow progress to end my own war has felt ridiculously slow at times. While you are still fighting it can be exhausting. Time after time I would repeat the same old tactics. I did try to change strategies but they were still a form of war. I just wasn't ready to surrender. I was still trying to win the war and be victorious. I wanted the perceived enemy to surrender. To say “I’m sorry”. Fly the white flag. Feel the loss and pain I’d experienced. I still felt I had something to protect and defend. But what?

I recently said to someone about a disagreement that they had had, “What have you truly got to loose?” in reference to forgiving that person. It was really meant for me to hear. What would I genuinely loose to forgive? In that moment I couldn’t find any reason not to forgive everything I was aware of. What was I trying to defend? I couldn't find it any more. It had vanished for a moment and I didn’t miss it one bit.

Now, like all these experiences I’ve had, they require an ongoing choice. That moment needs to be honoured and felt. Truly acknowledged for the breakthrough it is, while holding the wisdom that the same choice to surrender needs to be made in every other moment that follows. The chance to forgive is always there waiting to be chosen.

I’m still currently enjoying the stillness and silence of peacetime.

Part 2 to come…

MC

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