Lost in the performance.

I discovered only the other day a core wound that is still effecting my relationships. I know there are always more, but you just have to be vigilant and wait for them to be seen. Allow the fog of life to lift and see the subtle outline of a landscape undiscovered. I must say it feels really hard at times, but if you're willing and have friends and teachers around, it can really help. Mine was made clear as I could see my behaviour was hurting others. Now my true self would never want to hurt others. But a part of me is still in pain so it treats others from this place. What is interesting is how you can deceive yourself so convincingly that it would seem almost impossible to discover what's behind the behaviour. I’ll try and break it down in the hope it may help others see the performances we hind behind.

The performance:

I’ll call it that for now as that's what it feels like. All the players have their roles to help me see the moral of the story. All amazingly good at being what I need, so absolutely convincing I can't tell. When I say it feels like a performance, it sure doesn’t when I’m in it. I’m a motherfucking method actor when I’m in it. So lost in the character that I know no other. No space to step out of it. Now I will say that this isn’t my first rodeo. I’ve felt this before. That's why I have a chance to see it. The first rodeo hurt, the pain lasted a long time, and it took a while to get back on the horse. But once I did, with some trepidation, I’d say I’ve just gotten better at falling off. It can still scare the shit out of me, but hopefully the dusting off becomes second nature and the fear lessens. One day I may just ride it out in style and not even touch the ground, until I want to.

The act:

I won’t go into full detail but I’ll try and make it as clear as I can. I was in conversation with a friend and he mentioned something. I went straight to a judgement on his statement. Now the role that I was in was Teacher; someone to sharpen against. A role I play very well. I’m comfortable in this role, as I can hide a lot behind this character. He is helpful, wise, vigilant, funny, insightful and caring. He can help people see things, feel things and observe their own wounds. Now this is great, but he has some short comings that aren’t always clear to me. Is that what is always needed? No. I’m aware enough to read a situation and behave appropriately. But this time I doubled down and thought it was the right way to be. My friend shut down and the conversation ended. Now that felt off. I could feel there was something underneath, more to it. I’d seen this before and it was still there. I spoke to another friend about it, who regularly gives wise counsel. I was still in teacher mode, ready to defend my position. I was asked could I not have shown a gentleness, understanding, kindness, real compassion and respect, regardless of whether I may have been right in my insight? I thought NO, I’m here to help, I’m here to sharpen people in my life. As that's what I would want. This is not true, this is where my belief in this character/role is false. It sure didn’t feel false. It feels true and honest and good. This is how amazing the delusion can be.

The review:

The core question here was, “Can I treat my friend with such a delicate touch, be so gentle as to acknowledge how sensitive we all are?”

My response was, “No. Where would that leave our relationship? That's not my role.”

Now, really I missed the question. The question was, “Could I?”. Of course I could, but I wouldn’t. Now why wouldn’t I? This was the hard bit. Who was stoping me from giving this to my friend? What part of me was preventing me from dropping this role? I could defend this acting part all day. It makes sense doesn’t it? It’s an essential part of the plot isn’t it? No, not at all. It’s limiting me, it's restricting me and as an actor might say I could get typecast. Why wouldn't I want to have the largest range possible? Be all things and play all parts, be free to be whatever is needed in the present moment, with absolutely no restrictions. A real creative artist.

Character motivation:

So why wouldn’t I just drop that role? Well because inside of me there is a small child that also wanted this care, this delicate consideration. He wanted to be handled with such care because he was so sensitive. I can’t even put into words how much he wanted this unconditional love. It hurts how much he wanted it. We all wanted it and we still do. That is why I didn’t give it, because that part of me felt it was unfair, because he didn’t always receive it himself.

This is an important step in healing and recognising that part of me. We have met before and that part is revealing more to me all the time. I must listen to that part of me and give him what he feels he never had. Then I can start giving it to others. I’ll have so much of it to give it will never run out. I would love that. Wouldn’t you?

I hope this gives some insight into how the wounds of our past effect everything we do today. I truly want to be me, without limits.

MC